I am a Moron

Let me tell you why I am a moron.

I made trips to Mal-Wart (i changed the name of this store to protect it from scrutiny) on the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and the day after Christmas.

All three times I just had to run in for a few small items.

All three times were an absolute nightmare.

Revelation Regurgitation

Yesterday, I posted a blog explaining spiritual spit-up.

Today, I would like to give an example of what exactly this grotesque practice looks like.

Make sure you are either sitting down or standing up for this because it could get ugly.

I once was an angry preacher preaching an angry sermon...

I set up three folding chairs in order to illustrate three types of people like so:

Spiritual Spit-up

An alarming number of people have been throwing up in Bible class, during sermons, and in small group discussions for as long as I can remember.

You may say, "Ernest, this is not happening at my Church."

You say this for three reasons:

1. You did not know my name was Benjamin, so you called me Ernest.

2. It has been happening for so long that you are used to it.

3. You think I mean literal vomit

A Drunk Holy Man

As you may know, I am not the holiest man in the world.

The main reason being that the "Holiest Man in the World" contest is held in Scotland every year, and the IRS will not let me deduct the airfare as a business expense. You also have to be at least 30 years old to enter.

This is a shame because I feel I could make a strong showing in the contest, especially since I own a tie that matches my Bible. If that is not a holiness home run, it is at least a triple.

The first man in scripture to be the holiest man on the planet is named Noah (Some might make an argument for Adam or Methuselah, but this my blog...so no arguing).

A Worthless Baby

I realized yesterday that my oldest daughter is better at stuff than my newborn.

The 15 month old, Claira, was kicking a giant ball that I think she stole from Wal-Mart around the house while the new born, Macy, was just lying there. Claira was doing a jig, a dance that seamlessly combined the art of spinning and the art of jumping, while Macy again did nothing to entertain me. Every time they play dodgeball, Claira wins.

A People Person

The following is an actual email I sent to the editor of People Magazine. Enjoy.

To Whom it May Concern,

My wife and I have a two week old baby who is beautiful. And seeing as how she has no job (that I know of), we would like to monetize her existence. So we have decided to give People Magazine the exclusive rights to her photo for the small price of $2 million (this is negotiable, but barely). She is much prettier than that kid you superimposed with Tom Cruise, and she sometimes smiles when she is gassy. This offer is good for one week or however long it takes you to get us a check (whichever comes second).

Father of the Year,

Benjamin Neeley

Angry at Grapes

I once heard an angry preacher preach an angry sermon.

He was preaching against alcohol. He was not preaching against the abuse of alcohol, just alcohol. I guess he was mad it existed. His objective was to have all the grapes in the audience repent for their fermenting ways.

I was ten, and as a ten year old, I was deeply moved/scared by the sermon. As I left Church that morning, holding my breath as I passed all the elders and deacons who were smoking right outside the door (is this why we were called camelites?), I vowed to never take a sip of the stuff because I did not want God to hate me.

God has taught me something since then.

The Brain Argument

Have you ever had a perfect comeback, the type of retort that makes everyone around you simultaneously say, "Zing!!"? 

I have.

In fact, this happened to me just this morning. I was in a conversation with someone who tends to disagree with me, and I pointed out their faults with such wit and wisdom that all who listened were astounded. My adversary even opened his heart to the error of his ways. It was awesome.

Now I have to admit, I did have a bit of a home-field advantage since this argument took place in my shower...and the man I was arguing with was not present.

Minor details aside, I still won the argument.

It seems like these brain arguments happen to me often. Even though I always win, I do not think this practice is healthy for several reasons...