The Enhanced Church

I sure am glad Christmas is over.

I am not a scrooge (I use this term knowing full well that Scrooge now loves Christmas because the grim reaper told him he was going to die), but I am always thankful when the holiday season is over.

Now that Christmas is over, I get a month long break from those stupid jewelry commercials. I have never seen one that didn't make me want to kick my dog (I don't actually kick my dog, but I do chase him around the house for a minute and a half). These commercials irritate me for three reasons that I can articulate:

Love and the Magic Taco

There is a woman on tv telling me that she lost 54lbs by eating tacos from a fast food joint.

You have got to be kidding me. This is awesome! I have been looking for a way to eat tacos and lose weight for years. And now, without having to sweat, I can lose the weight I have been slowly gaining since birth.

If only I could have these magic tacos delivered to my couch, I will be set to make good on my new years resolution to be tricked by stupid advertising campaigns.

Is anyone buying this?

Barista Banter

My wife and I were leaving Waco, TX and stopped by a Starbucks (a quaint little coffee shop on the way out of town).

When asked for our order, we simply said, "the usual." After being met with a blank stare from the drive-thru speaker, we assumed that the person taking our order was a new employee and we went through our whole order (two tall caramel macchiatos - extra caramel).

While we were waiting on our drinks, the new barista had an hour long conversation with me in five minutes. He asked me about the weather, my activities in Waco, what I thought about the current economic climate, and whether or not I remembered El Nino.

I am a Moron

Let me tell you why I am a moron.

I made trips to Mal-Wart (i changed the name of this store to protect it from scrutiny) on the day after Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, and the day after Christmas.

All three times I just had to run in for a few small items.

All three times were an absolute nightmare.

Revelation Regurgitation

Yesterday, I posted a blog explaining spiritual spit-up.

Today, I would like to give an example of what exactly this grotesque practice looks like.

Make sure you are either sitting down or standing up for this because it could get ugly.

I once was an angry preacher preaching an angry sermon...

I set up three folding chairs in order to illustrate three types of people like so:

Spiritual Spit-up

An alarming number of people have been throwing up in Bible class, during sermons, and in small group discussions for as long as I can remember.

You may say, "Ernest, this is not happening at my Church."

You say this for three reasons:

1. You did not know my name was Benjamin, so you called me Ernest.

2. It has been happening for so long that you are used to it.

3. You think I mean literal vomit

A Drunk Holy Man

As you may know, I am not the holiest man in the world.

The main reason being that the "Holiest Man in the World" contest is held in Scotland every year, and the IRS will not let me deduct the airfare as a business expense. You also have to be at least 30 years old to enter.

This is a shame because I feel I could make a strong showing in the contest, especially since I own a tie that matches my Bible. If that is not a holiness home run, it is at least a triple.

The first man in scripture to be the holiest man on the planet is named Noah (Some might make an argument for Adam or Methuselah, but this my blog...so no arguing).