Church At Olive Garden

I love my family.

But every time I am in an Olive Garden, I can’t help but think how lame my family is compared to the families on the Olive Garden commercials.

“Shouldn’t I be telling more lame jokes and laughing at more lame jokes than usual?” I will often say aloud to no one in particular.

It actually gets a little embarrassing because I try to force the issue.

I will say something like, “Hey Rachel, You take the salad. I’ll take the breadsticks,” and then I will fake laugh obnoxiously for about twenty seconds as I look around at the other patrons.

It doesn’t work. I can’t even fake it. I want my experience at the Olive Garden to be as good as advertised but it just is not possible.

They promise too much. They cannot deliver on the experience that they portray on TV.

I think this is often the problem with us Christians.

We oversell ourselves.

When Christians come across as the happiest people on the planet, carefree and smiley-faced, people do not believe us.

And they shouldn’t.

When we act as though we have it all together, we are overselling ourselves. We are promising something on which we cannot deliver. We are the real life version of a dopey Olive Garden commercial, cheesy and incredible.

A side effect of overselling the people in the church is that we undersell the God that the church worships.

When we pretend to have it all together, it comes across that we are worshiping God because we are good and we are worthy to give worship.

Instead, we should let our faults be known. We should let the world know that we are weak and our God is strong because, while it is easy to oversell ourselves, we have a God who will always deliver on His promises.

He is exactly who He says is.

He will do exactly what He says He will do.

He fulfills all His promises and more, so let’s show the world what the church truly is.

We are not a group of people that one must emulate in order to get close to God.

We are a group of broken, sinful, unholy people who are gathered together to worship the God who has enough grace, love, and mercy to save a wretch like me.

2 Reasons I Sin at the Store

Enter through the door that says, “Enter.”

Exit through the door that says, “Exit.”

You would think this would not be that difficult, but every time I frequent that store with the smiley face who slashes prices, I almost run into someone going the wrong way (most of the time because I am attempting to tackle them).

The smiley face has made it easy for you: the exit is always closest to the registers. This means that some people are walking past the exit door so that they may leave through the entrance.

I cannot think of anything that frustrates me more.

Recently, I watched a woman try to enter through the exit side of smiley face but the doors did not open quickly enough. If she would not have been paying attention, she would have ran into the door forcing me to throw the streamers that I keep in my pocket for just such an occasion. I also would have done a dance.

People do not do this at the big red bulls-eye store. They follow the proper procedures. It is an orderly bunch who take aim at that place. When I am at the big red bulls-eye, I always feel so light and happy because I did not have to forgive six people on my way in.

At the smiley face, reluctant forgiveness abounds. I even slap some offenders on the forehead because I assume that they are possessed with a dyslexic demon.

My attitude on all of this changed when I went to the smiley face in Waco, TX.

I was preparing to dish out some judgmental looks as I approached the front of the store, but all of that was ruined when I noticed that the smiley face had slashed the labels above doors. No more rules existed for the entering and the exiting of the store.

I was a little put out.

I like the rules. The rules made me right. The rules made me superior.

The rules made me sin.

Satan is good at that.

He likes to use your Holy Momentum to flip you over his head. You may be doing the right thing for the wrong reasons. You may be obeying the rules and toeing the regulated line, but it can be sin.

Jesus chastised those who prayed. Jesus corrected those who fasted.

It is a tragedy when we use the teachings of Jesus, teachings that were meant to help us build relationship with God and with God’s creation, to divide and set ourselves above others.

It is hard to follow Jesus with this attitude. When I am self-righteous, I struggle to follow the One who is self-sacrificing. When I judge it is hard to follow the One who forgives.

Following the rules can make me an awful person.

This is why I always thank God for His matchless grace.


You should too.

Beating Elmo with a Bat

My daughter loves Elmo.

She loves Elmo so much that if you are reading this blog aloud within two miles of our house, you need to spell E-L-M-O's name just so you will not have to listen to his CD.

She has emotionally connected with Elmo, running to the t.v. to help whenever Elmo cannot shut his crayon created door because a friendly tornado is telling him about when it is safe to play outside (fyi: It is not ok to fly a kite in a tornado).

She gets sad when Elmo is sad.

She is excited whenever Elmo is excited.

She loves Elmo.

This is why I will never buy her an Elmo piñata.

It sounds like a good idea, but it is not. Trust me.

It sounds fun because it has all the elements of a good time - Elmo replica, candy, baseball bat, blindfold. Individually, every item of the Elmo piñata experience is a blast, but when combined, they form a nasty cocktail that will damage the emotions of any child.

Let's say this out loud together:

"Hey sweetheart! You are such a sweet two year old that Elmo will be at your birthday party! Upon his arrival, we will hang him from the ceiling, beat him with a bat until he busts open, and once his insides spill onto the floor, we will all cheer merrily and eat them."

I am no child psychologist but this has to be damaging. No child should have to watch their favorite person be mistreated. That is parenting 101.

Let's say something else out loud together:

"Hey wife/husband, I love you so much. You are my favorite person. I married you because I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But for some reason I will be nicer, more patient, and friendlier to complete strangers than you. I will smile when I talk to the waitress or the gas station attendant but I will rarely give you such a courtesy."

It sounds crazy when we say it aloud but it is how many of us act.

We have made piñatas out of the people we love most and we are willing to do anything to them as long as it benefits us.

I am no child psychologist but this has to be damaging. No child should have to watch their favorite person be mistreated. That is parenting 101.

A Christian Psychic

I drove by a psychic’s house the other day.

Other than the banners, signs, neon arrows and the psychic who lived inside, it was a very ordinary house.

Seeing this house made me wonder how someone enters the psychic vocation. Do you have to have license or a permit? Is there an online training course? I suppose that since I do not know the answers to these questions intuitively, it does not matter all that much.

I would have loved to have been there when this woman decided to become a psychic...

“Honey, do you remember that time a couple of years ago that you and I were watching American Idol and I told you that Sanjia was not going to win? Well, remember how I was right about that? I have been thinking that I might have psychic powers and we already have all these dangling beads and black lights, maybe I should start my own business.”

It is even more perplexing that she has stayed in business. I guess humans have a need to know what’s going to happen. We want to know the future and explain the past. We want answers to questions like, "Why did this event or that tragedy happen?" and "What is going to happen when I die?" or "How will the earth end?'

Preachers often sell Christianity as a ticket into a future party. "This act, prayer, belief, or practice will get you into heaven." While partly true, this teaching is extremely dangerous if it is the only teaching offered.

Since I believe that Christianity is not a man made religion, I do not think it answers man made questions. Many Christians, since they are men, try to answer these questions and will manipulate scripture to do so, but this is not what Christ came to achieve (if it were, he would have answered more of the questions we asked him).

Christ does not offer many explanations about tragedies, or predictions of the future. He tells us not to concern ourselves with tomorrow because today has enough troubles of its own.

Christians should value today. We should live in this present moment. We should experience the relationships around us right now. 

When Peter was freed from prison, he was told, "Go stand in the temple courts and tell the people the full message of the this new life." 

If we are only telling others about the future, if we are only Christian psychics selling insights into what is going to happen, then we have missed the full message. We have missed the life that is promised for the present.

A life full of love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. 

A response to an angry letter

Dear Benjamin, 

I think your last blog post sounded a bit harsh. I think you should delete it. I think that overtime you will regret having an angry rant representing you on the internet. 

Were you right? 

Who cares?

Would You Yell At My Daughter?

As she was getting her diaper changed, my oldest daughter (19 months) heard a lawnmower outside. She listened very intently for about ten seconds and said, “A Plane!”

I smiled and said, “You are sooo stupid!! When’s the last time you saw an airplane cutting grass. SHEESH! IDIOT!!” (Dear cps agent, I didn’t actually say this)

I actually said, “That’s right, a plane!”

Was she right? No.

Was her rightness important? Not at all.

I once heard an angry preacher preach an angry sermon that made me think he would yell at my daughter.

An Angry Preaching Tool

Preachers have a secret. 

This secret has lasted several generations under a cloak of secrecy which can be likened to that of Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility (you are probably a nerd if you loved that last reference). 

This secret tool is so influential that it can only be revealed in caps lock...

THE HAND OF CONDEMNATION

The hand of condemnation was discovered in 1822 by a man named Ernest Blaimya. He had been trying to develop a method that would enable him to point out the flaws of others while avoiding any sort of self-evaluation. 

Ernest loved pointing at the particularly bad sinners in his congregation during his sermons, but hated the three fingers that pointed back at him. These three fingers didn’t seem to understand that Ernest’s sins were never as bad as the sins of those he was judging. 

Then one bright and blessed Sunday, a man walked into Mr. Blaimya’s church. This man was late and underdressed, so Ernest knew he was a sinner of the worst kind (Seriously! He didn't even look like a Christian). During the first three songs Ernest and his wife glared judgment on this man so fiercely that, unbeknownst to him, he was in danger of bursting in to hell flames on the spot (some say that spontaneous condemnation is a myth, but a boy can dream can’t he?). 

When it was time to preach, Ernest was so fired up that he didn’t make any announcements before his sermon. He just ripped right into it.

He preached so angrily that his palms were sweating, his vision was blurring, and when he spoke of those sinners who disrespect God by not having nice clothes, he pointed at the tardy fellow on the front row with all five fingers. 

Thus, the long distance slap known now as the hand of condemnation was born.

You’re welcome.