Would You Yell At My Daughter?

As she was getting her diaper changed, my oldest daughter (19 months) heard a lawnmower outside. She listened very intently for about ten seconds and said, “A Plane!”

I smiled and said, “You are sooo stupid!! When’s the last time you saw an airplane cutting grass. SHEESH! IDIOT!!” (Dear cps agent, I didn’t actually say this)

I actually said, “That’s right, a plane!”

Was she right? No.

Was her rightness important? Not at all.

I once heard an angry preacher preach an angry sermon that made me think he would yell at my daughter.

An Angry Preaching Tool

Preachers have a secret. 

This secret has lasted several generations under a cloak of secrecy which can be likened to that of Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility (you are probably a nerd if you loved that last reference). 

This secret tool is so influential that it can only be revealed in caps lock...

THE HAND OF CONDEMNATION

The hand of condemnation was discovered in 1822 by a man named Ernest Blaimya. He had been trying to develop a method that would enable him to point out the flaws of others while avoiding any sort of self-evaluation. 

Ernest loved pointing at the particularly bad sinners in his congregation during his sermons, but hated the three fingers that pointed back at him. These three fingers didn’t seem to understand that Ernest’s sins were never as bad as the sins of those he was judging. 

Then one bright and blessed Sunday, a man walked into Mr. Blaimya’s church. This man was late and underdressed, so Ernest knew he was a sinner of the worst kind (Seriously! He didn't even look like a Christian). During the first three songs Ernest and his wife glared judgment on this man so fiercely that, unbeknownst to him, he was in danger of bursting in to hell flames on the spot (some say that spontaneous condemnation is a myth, but a boy can dream can’t he?). 

When it was time to preach, Ernest was so fired up that he didn’t make any announcements before his sermon. He just ripped right into it.

He preached so angrily that his palms were sweating, his vision was blurring, and when he spoke of those sinners who disrespect God by not having nice clothes, he pointed at the tardy fellow on the front row with all five fingers. 

Thus, the long distance slap known now as the hand of condemnation was born.

You’re welcome.

They Glow For Hours

My brother called me the other day with some news: He had just seen something funny on the bathroom wall while he was in the mall.

It wasn't anything vulgar, just odd.

Jesus and the Encyclopedia Salesman

When is the President, or someone with awesome authority, going to do something about these kiosk crazies who mosey after innocent passers-by trying to sell soap or some other crazy beauty product. 

They ask questions like, "Can I show you something?" and, "Can I ask you a question?" I am so scared of making eye contact with these people that I have actually pretended to be on the phone as I pass by the kiosk. 

The Enhanced Church

I sure am glad Christmas is over.

I am not a scrooge (I use this term knowing full well that Scrooge now loves Christmas because the grim reaper told him he was going to die), but I am always thankful when the holiday season is over.

Now that Christmas is over, I get a month long break from those stupid jewelry commercials. I have never seen one that didn't make me want to kick my dog (I don't actually kick my dog, but I do chase him around the house for a minute and a half). These commercials irritate me for three reasons that I can articulate:

Love and the Magic Taco

There is a woman on tv telling me that she lost 54lbs by eating tacos from a fast food joint.

You have got to be kidding me. This is awesome! I have been looking for a way to eat tacos and lose weight for years. And now, without having to sweat, I can lose the weight I have been slowly gaining since birth.

If only I could have these magic tacos delivered to my couch, I will be set to make good on my new years resolution to be tricked by stupid advertising campaigns.

Is anyone buying this?

Barista Banter

My wife and I were leaving Waco, TX and stopped by a Starbucks (a quaint little coffee shop on the way out of town).

When asked for our order, we simply said, "the usual." After being met with a blank stare from the drive-thru speaker, we assumed that the person taking our order was a new employee and we went through our whole order (two tall caramel macchiatos - extra caramel).

While we were waiting on our drinks, the new barista had an hour long conversation with me in five minutes. He asked me about the weather, my activities in Waco, what I thought about the current economic climate, and whether or not I remembered El Nino.