Would You Yell At My Daughter?

As she was getting her diaper changed, my oldest daughter (19 months) heard a lawnmower outside. She listened very intently for about ten seconds and said, “A Plane!”

I smiled and said, “You are sooo stupid!! When’s the last time you saw an airplane cutting grass. SHEESH! IDIOT!!” (Dear cps agent, I didn’t actually say this)

I actually said, “That’s right, a plane!”

Was she right? No.

Was her rightness important? Not at all.

I once heard an angry preacher preach an angry sermon that made me think he would yell at my daughter.

An Angry Preaching Tool

Preachers have a secret. 

This secret has lasted several generations under a cloak of secrecy which can be likened to that of Harry Potter’s cloak of invisibility (you are probably a nerd if you loved that last reference). 

This secret tool is so influential that it can only be revealed in caps lock...

THE HAND OF CONDEMNATION

The hand of condemnation was discovered in 1822 by a man named Ernest Blaimya. He had been trying to develop a method that would enable him to point out the flaws of others while avoiding any sort of self-evaluation. 

Ernest loved pointing at the particularly bad sinners in his congregation during his sermons, but hated the three fingers that pointed back at him. These three fingers didn’t seem to understand that Ernest’s sins were never as bad as the sins of those he was judging. 

Then one bright and blessed Sunday, a man walked into Mr. Blaimya’s church. This man was late and underdressed, so Ernest knew he was a sinner of the worst kind (Seriously! He didn't even look like a Christian). During the first three songs Ernest and his wife glared judgment on this man so fiercely that, unbeknownst to him, he was in danger of bursting in to hell flames on the spot (some say that spontaneous condemnation is a myth, but a boy can dream can’t he?). 

When it was time to preach, Ernest was so fired up that he didn’t make any announcements before his sermon. He just ripped right into it.

He preached so angrily that his palms were sweating, his vision was blurring, and when he spoke of those sinners who disrespect God by not having nice clothes, he pointed at the tardy fellow on the front row with all five fingers. 

Thus, the long distance slap known now as the hand of condemnation was born.

You’re welcome.

Revelation Regurgitation

Yesterday, I posted a blog explaining spiritual spit-up.

Today, I would like to give an example of what exactly this grotesque practice looks like.

Make sure you are either sitting down or standing up for this because it could get ugly.

I once was an angry preacher preaching an angry sermon...

I set up three folding chairs in order to illustrate three types of people like so:

Angry at Grapes

I once heard an angry preacher preach an angry sermon.

He was preaching against alcohol. He was not preaching against the abuse of alcohol, just alcohol. I guess he was mad it existed. His objective was to have all the grapes in the audience repent for their fermenting ways.

I was ten, and as a ten year old, I was deeply moved/scared by the sermon. As I left Church that morning, holding my breath as I passed all the elders and deacons who were smoking right outside the door (is this why we were called camelites?), I vowed to never take a sip of the stuff because I did not want God to hate me.

God has taught me something since then.

The Sinners in the Back

I once heard an angry preacher preach an angry sermon.

He was angry at a particularly vile set of sinners; those sinners who make most people hide the eyes of their children and cover the ears of their pets. He was yelling at those people who did not attend Sunday evening worship.

He was bravely preaching this sermon at Sunday evening worship.